» I’m coping well…there is the knitting, writing and time to enjoy spring/summer…

» If you see a double post of this, ignore it. It’s from the new plugin and custom field that I’m trying out.

…and we got the “all good to go” sign from the doctors.

After the second blood test last week, we were given a slot to come back and check if all was okay. So we made the trip to the gynaecology polyclinic for a check-up. The system here is slightly different from Malaysia - you go to the reception counter to get your registration details and this nifty little card with a magnetic strip at the back. Then you take it to the floor and reception desk that you’re supposed to go to and give it to whoever who is at the counter. That’s it.

After that, it’s the same with anywhere else - your name gets called and you go in for whatever you’re supposed to go in for. In my case, I went in to two men - one doctor and the other a student - and a nurse. Some women might find it strange or weird but I am okay with it. I suppose all those visits to the hospital as a kid has numbed me to the strangeness.

Anyway, after another transvaginal scan, the doctor gave us the news we (didn’t) needed to hear. More importantly, he reiterated the fact that I can get pregnant and my uterus plus ovaries are healthy. We are also free to try for the next one after two or three months but I think Nil might not care to follow that rule.

So yes, everything is going well here.

Since we are back on the TTC (Trying To Conceive) road, Nil and I thought it would be best to try again after my period ended. The last time we had intercourse was nearly three weeks ago so both of us were getting a little rusty, not to mention sexually frustrated.

For me, it felt a little strange to have sex again after going through a pregnancy loss. Sure, it was nice and pleasurable - and naturally more for my husband than me because frankly, women are more affected by miscarriages and abortions compared to men.

While I am coping well with the loss, I find it difficult to enjoy sex as much as I did before. Perhaps it is because I fear that the same thing will happen again - the whole pregnancy occurring and having to deal with the loss.

One of my friends did tell me that this will take a while before I can get intimate with Nil without the fear of the past happening again. But I do wonder if this is normal…and if so, how long will I need to get over this…

The past few days have been tranquil, to say the least, and while I have bawled my eyes out for two nights in a row, today was pretty quiet and emo-less (although I do feel a bout of “something” coming on). I do wonder if it’s because the fact still hasn’t sunk it or it’s because I just…well, feel different about the whole thing.

My sister-in-law and the doctors have been very helpful and supportive; they were right to assume that the first few things I would think of were that:

• It was my fault - I didn’t look out for all those pantangs* or that I told people “too soon”
• My body was weak, broken, unhealthy…
• I am infertile

It is never the woman’s fault when she goes through an early pregnancy loss or a spontaneous abortion. Usually both incidents occur because the egg/fetus is not viable, has too many chromosomal errors and/or has no heartbeat or development. In my case, the pregnancy was doomed from the start at a genetic level and no amount of whatever I do or didn’t do would have changed anything!

From the Babycenter article…

A large empty sac on the scan is a sign of a “blighted ovum”, where conception occurred and the fertilised egg implanted in your womb but the baby did not develop. A blighted ovum can happen to anyone. It usually happens accidentally, and most women go on to have a successful pregnancy next time.

…

Although the causes aren’t fully understood, a blighted ovum is generally considered to be an accident of nature. [emphasis is mine]

This can happen to the healthiest of women - you can be in great shape and still have a genetically whacked out fertilized egg. Being healthy is not a sure guarantee that you’ll never have to go through a miscarriage. Statistics have shown that most women will go through at least two miscarriages in their lifetime; some will know it, and a lot won’t know that it is a miscarriage let alone the fact that there was ever a pregnancy.

From another article here,

… It is not known exactly how many abortions are due to blighted ova. It is however a commonly accepted view that approximately 1 in 5 of all human pregnancies are grossly abnormal and therefore miscarry spontaneously at about the time of the first period or they are blighted ova and miscarry at about the 8th or 10th week. Some authorities consider that blighted ova constitute 1 in 10 of all human pregnancies…[emphasis is mine]

Contrary to what I thought, this actually means that I can get pregnant, my uterus and ovaries are fine (double-confirmed by the transvaginal ultrasound) and that my body does its job pretty well…so far. A visit to the hospital earlier today left me rather relieved to know just that. My HCG levels dropped from 2300+ to 300+ in less than 72 hours - it means that it’s not an ectopic pregnancy, it’s a confirmed loss and the huge drop means that my body is taking the news like it ought to. I am expected to pop in again in a week’s time to double check if everything is out from the system as it should. After which, I have been told, I’m in good shape to try again whenever I like.

I supposed this is why I don’t really feel sad - sure, I mourned my loss by planting a dahlia tuber and two freesia corms as part of my summer flower collection. It is my way of dealing with the loss, just as how Gabriella Solis dealt with hers (Desperate Housewives Season 2, remember?). What I found tough was coping with comments from people in general - things like I shouldn’t have told so soon, I moved houses, I exercised too much, I ate the wrong things, I wasn’t healthy, my body wasn’t working right, etc…

Comments like that, well, remind me of those thoughts I had earlier, and the last thing I need right now was to feel guilty over something that I had no control over. Well, it made my HB and his family cross as well because to them, it wasn’t helpful…

I know people mean well, I know people care…and I am very thankful for the wonderful comments from friends, family and even strangers.

To individuals like Christine, Alesia, Maggie, Mel & Sham, Su Yin and the whole bunch of you folks who commented, thank you for kind and supportive comments! I don’t know you folks but I do thank God from the bottom of my heart for those lovely words…

But my biggest and greatest thanks is to Annie for sharing your heartaches, and your stories with me on this blog. You really made it feel as if I was just another “normal” woman out there with normal and common problems. Most importantly of all, thanks to your comment, I now don’t feel alone in this situation. Thank you for understanding…and giving me hope…

* Old wives tale or superstitions

After five days of spotting, it finally blown into bleeding and cramping yesterday. We rushed to the hospital’s emergency where very lovely doctors attended to us with a transvaginal ultrasound scan and a blood test.

According to the blood test, I was supposed to be six weeks pregnant but the transvaginal ultrasound scan revealed that I have “anembryonic pregnancy” commonly known as a blighted ovum - it means that instead of a blastocyst developing into an embryo, it was just a sac of nothing implanted in my uterus. No embryo, just an empty ball of nothing. And the bleeding meant that my body was basically aborting the sac - cervix dilated and well, expelling of uterine wall lining.

In short, I was going through a spontaneous abortion or more commonly known as a miscarriage. It’s funny because Nil’s sister mentioned that I was lucky that it’s not a miscarriage - I supposed she was speaking from a medical context because she went on to explain that miscarriages usually happen because there is something wrong with your body. What I am going through is the opposite - my body is healthy; the egg just wasn’t viable.

Apparently, one fifth of pregnancies end up in this situation - chromosomal defects and such. It is a genetic one-off fluke and almost never repeats itself, especially if the couple is young. Well, at least I know I can get pregnant…and at least I know my ovaries/uterus/cervix is fine.

Emotionally, I’ve did my fair share of bawling like a well (French saying) yesterday and I’m surprisingly alright - still a little down but otherwise okay. Just more concerned about what my parents’ reaction would be…

I have been seeing some spotting from Friday evening onwards and increasingly more over the weekend. As usual, the worry-pot in me got really upset and stressed out. I did heaps of reading but nothing could really make me rest easy. Until I got Nil to make a phone call to my sister-in-law who is currently working as a doctor in France and a mother of two young children.

What is going on in the body?
According to an article in Parents.com, spotting in the first few days of a pregnancy is often caused by what is known as an implantation bleeding. It’s basically when the blastocyst (sp?) is busy making a hole in the uterine wall.

From what my sister-in-law tells me - which is my case - in later weeks of a pregnancy especially in the first trimester, it is caused because the uterus walls are expanding and so some blood vessels will burst. It can also be due to hormonal shifts in the uterus - it is adjusting to the fact that it’s period time but it only sheds a little of the uterine lining. Looking back at my cycle, my period would have started over the weekend so this kind of spotting is to be expected.

In the later trimester, as the baby becomes bigger and jostles around to make room for him/herself (Nil calls it “moving furniture around”), spotting becomes normal as the uterus bruises and sheds some of its lining.

What can I do?
My advice was to, first and foremost, stop worrying.

I was told to only be concerned and see the doctor immediately if I were to have painful cramps AND bright red bleeding that doesn’t stop. By her definition of “doesn’t stop”, it means that if you have to change panties all day long, it’s time to visit the doc. My spotting was brown-pink and without cramps, so it is just a normal occurrence in pregnant woman.

I was advised to avoid long car trips in my first and third trimester because of the vibrations so no road trips for me. Train rides are better because they are smoother (thus better) for pregnant women. The parting message was that all would be clearer when we see the doctor next week.

Comforting…seriously.

Another week down and lots more to go. This has been a crazy yo-yo week for me as you’ll read in the later part.

So, what’s happening to Junior?
From Baby Gaga, here is the development report:

Woohoo! You’ve got one whole inch of baby inside of you! Your little embryo has finally reached the one-inch mark (30mm). And if it were possible to take a peek, you could actually see your tiny baby without a telescope! What’s more, your baby is finally starting to take on some very distinct human features.

For starters, their little tail (really just the spinal cord) has disappeared completely. It’s nice to know your baby can no longer be mistaken for a sea creature! Additionally, both their toes and fingers are prominent with very little, if any, webbing. Upper and lower limbs all show recognizable joints (elbows and knees) and the lower limb bones are starting to ossify. But don’t expect your baby to resemble either parent quite yet. Right now, your baby’s head is disproportionately larger than the rest of their body–making up almost half of your little one’s height and weight!

Image from Obstetrix.com

What about Mummy?
While my morning sickness/nausea is down to nearly zero, the other symptoms like my mood swings have gone up a few notches. I am weepy almost all the time and am easily irritable as well. The funny (sad) thing is that Nil is the one putting up with it most of the time. My friends and family get away scot-free.

I have also been active but I don’t know if that is a good idea. Over the weekend, I started spotting - the first time since the pregnancy - and while I know it’s not much of a concern (it’s not bright red blood and there is no cramping), I still can’t help but worry if everything is alright. In that aspect, I just can’t wait till next week when I do finally get to see the doctor.

Nil thinks that if I have mood swings and food cravings, I’m still pregnant. Trust him to make a simplified theory on that.